Seeing her dad "broken" as he rallied the family to help when she was at her lowest ebb, Amelia Kerr finally realised she had people all around who could get her through this, she just needed to talk to them.

It was July 2021 and Kerr, the gifted New Zealand allrounder, had been sent home from a White Ferns training camp, in her words, "for safety reasons".

She was accompanied on the trip home by team-mate and close friend Maddy Green, who had been a confidante through Kerr's struggles with anxiety and depression, but it was only now that her family was able to fully understand the struggles she had tried to keep hidden from them for so long. The next day, her parents took her to hospital and so began her journey to where she is now - in a much better place.

"I've never seen my dad so broken in his life," Kerr says.

"That was the thing that really was like, 'Wow', for me. Then I got taken to the crisis team at the emergency department, and got in to [see] a psychiatrist. I think if my family didn't get involved, I would still be suffering now.

"It just felt so suffocating. I wasn't sleeping at all and I just felt like I was wasting away. It felt like you were slowly drowning"

"I needed that confronting experience, and all of that to happen for me to get to where I am. My family has been amazing. I have a huge extended family and we're all extremely close. For so long I couldn't tell my family because they were the closest people to me and I didn't want to hurt them because I knew they would find it hard seeing me struggle.

"I tried to hide it from them, but they needed to know what I was going through, because when they did find out, it was the most important thing and they got a plan in place. It made me realise how important that was to tell them and how much you are loved as well."

It became apparent during New Zealand's tour of Australia in September 2020 and her WBBL stint with Brisbane Heat soon after that being away from home was a trigger for Kerr's mental health to spiral.

But cricket was Kerr's "safe space", so she pressed on, playing and training in an environment where she was untouched by what she was feeling outside of it. Never had she been overwhelmed during a match or while putting her body and mind through endless hours perfecting her craft. She was always able to "get into a zone" where cricket was concerned, she says.

Play 01:41

Amelia Kerr on her mental-health troubles: 'It's a real sickness - cruel and painful and hard'

Sophie Devine, the New Zealand captain, who is from Tawa, the same commuter suburb in north Wellington as Kerr, remembers hearing "some pretty big raps coming out of the school system" about the skills and achievements of a young girl she'd seen around the cricket field.

Kerr's father, Robbie, a Wellington player-turned-coach, first selected Devine for the team. Her mother, Jo, also played for Wellington, and her grandfather, Bruce Murray, opened for New Zealand in 13 Tests between 1968 and 1971.

Devine came to know the family well and ended up as a babysitter to Kerr and her sister Jess, who took up cricket later than her younger sibling but is now well established in the New Zealand set-up as a seam bowler.

"The thing that impresses me most about Melie is, she's always hungry to get better," Devine says. "And she tries to surround herself with people that are going to push her.

"She follows Suzie Bates around like a little puppy, trying to soak up as much information as she can from probably one of our greatest ever players here in New Zealand and they certainly push each other. They're very competitive people, so it makes for some interesting training sessions."

New Zealand captain Sophie Devine supported Kerr through her time away from the game, playing basketball with her and talking to her regularly on the phone Marty Melville / © AFP/Getty Images

Kerr announced her arrival on the big stage at the 2017 World Cup as a prodigiously talented 16-year-old, New Zealand's youngest woman ever to play at the tournament, where she finished as her team's joint-highest wicket-taker, taking ten from six games.

She had showed great promise even before that, taking 4 for 42 in her fourth international, a five-wicket win over Pakistan in Nelson, and 3 for 16 on T20I debut, in another win against the same side two days later.

A highly skilled legspinner with a deceptive and confoundingly quick googly, Kerr is also an excellent fielder. She was billed as a star in the making right from the beginning, with Jacob Oram, the former New Zealand allrounder and White Ferns bowling coach, describing her as a future captain.

In 2018, Kerr broke Belinda Clark's long-standing record for the highest women's ODI score with 232 not out against Ireland, in the process becoming, at 17 years and 243 days, the youngest player - male or female - to score an international double-century. She also took five wickets in the match.

"It's funny how our brains are wired to think we shouldn't tell those people closest to us, but at the end of the day, that's what helped me the most"

"She spends hours and hours and hours just hitting balls or out in the field or just wanting to talk cricket, so I think she's going to continue to get better and better as a player," Devine says.

"It's a bit scary to think that she is only 21 because it feels like she's been around for yonks, but I think she's certainly got so much more to give to this game as well."

In May 2021, Kerr broke the ring finger on her right hand during a catching drill and her safe space was taken away. It was around that time that her mental health took a turn for the worse, and although she tried, pressing on became impossible a couple of months later.

"My mind would just race and there would be little voices in my head," she says. "That was a scary time but I'm glad that I've gone through it and understand it more, because I don't want it to happen again.

"I don't wish it upon anybody, but the one thing that can come out of it is, I can hopefully help others and relate to other people who might be going through a similar situation.

"It was extremely tough. It just felt so suffocating. I wasn't sleeping at all and I think the lack of sleep obviously doesn't help, but I just felt like I was wasting away. It felt like you were slowly drowning - that's what it felt like."

Kerr on getting help from her friend and team-mate: "Maddy [Green] was kind of the first person I went to when I was struggling. She's very level and a good listener and just took everything on board and I had absolute trust in her" Ryan Pierse / © Getty Images

Kerr still speaks to a psychologist - she started seeing one in 2020 - and continues to take medication, but she has also received invaluable support from Devine, who herself stepped away from the game last year to focus on her mental health as she dealt with a combination of anxiety, depression and exhaustion.

Devine only returned to action during the tour of England six months later, and through her example she sent a strong message to Kerr and anyone else going through similar experiences that it was important for players to prioritise their well-being, and helped normalise the conversation around mental health within the New Zealand squad.

Kerr took seven months out of the game, returning to domestic cricket last November, and in her first competitive matches back, she claimed consecutive five-wicket hauls for Wellington in the 50-over Hallyburton Johnstone Shield, and helped Wellington Blaze to a fourth T20 Super Smash title in five years.

While she was on her break, Kerr and Devine would head to their local basketball courts to shoot some hoops and just talk. Then, when Devine was back on the road with New Zealand, they continued to speak regularly on the phone.

"It's been really nice to have Melie back amongst the group," Devine says. "I'm really proud that she had the courage to [take time away]. It's something really important to not only me but this whole group, to make sure that we care for the person first and foremost."

"Maybe being a typical Kiwi, or a typical athlete, you just think, 'Oh no, I will just keep ploughing on.' "I had great support to help make the decision to step away but it was a really scary time" Sophie Devine on her decision to take a break from cricket

Kerr attributes some of her condition to genetics and to the fact that she's always "felt emotions quite deeply", which was exacerbated when, as a young teen growing up in Tawa, she saw family members, fellow students and friends battling their own mental health issues.

"For a long time, probably since I was about 18, I didn't really ever talk about what I was struggling with and it bottled up. From a young age I've loved helping people and I've been surrounded by people that have struggled a lot with mental health since I was about 14, so it's always been something I've been very passionate about.

"I wish I did speak up earlier, because maybe it wouldn't have got to the point it did, but I'm glad that I now have the tools to do that and the support around me to feel comfortable enough to.

Maddy [Green] was kind of the first person I went to when I was struggling. She's just very level and a good listener and just took everything on board and I had absolute trust in her. My support network, now that I'm using them, is incredible. So I'm very fortunate because I wouldn't be in the place I am today without all of those people."

Devine says Kerr is atypical when it comes to young players thrust into the limelight so early in their careers.

Kerr reacts in pain after being hit on the face by the ball. "I still have bad days and sometimes don't feel great, but I know that's just part of the journey" Fiona Goodall / © Getty Images

"I've certainly seen both ends of the spectrum, with players probably being brought in too young and they have dealt with some pretty hard cards and haven't had the tools to deal with it, and they've probably been lost to the game because they were chucked in the deep end so young. But players like Melie are the exception, I think, rather than the rule.

"Her family's really close knit and a great support network for her to make sure that she's able to work through things, because she's still a 21-year-old kid and she's got all this life stuff that she's got to do outside of cricket as well," Devine says. "So I think it is really important that we support players like Amelia who are young and who have taken some time away."

Kerr admits she was nervous about returning to the New Zealand squad, but says her team-mates' support and understanding has been "massive".

"Seeing Sophie, with what she did last year when she left the tour, I think that takes a lot of courage, as captain as well, to step away when you're not in the best place," Kerr says. "I always knew that they were very welcoming and wanted me to take all the time I needed until I was ready to be back."

Kerr carried her domestic form into her international return, against India last month. Having batted in the lower order during the 2017 World Cup, her double-century against Ireland came as an opener and she has played the majority of her ODIs in the middle order. For the latest series against India, however, she slotted in beautifully at No. 3, scoring an unbeaten century - her first at international level since that innings against Ireland - as New Zealand chased down 271 to win the second ODI, in Queenstown. Poignantly, Kerr shared a 128-run stand for the fourth wicket with Green, who struck 52. Kerr followed it up with three more half-centuries as New Zealand took the series 4-1.

"She spends hours and hours and hours just hitting balls or out in the field or just wanting to talk cricket, so I think she's going to continue to get better and better as a player" Devine on Kerr

"It was never a question of not playing again," Kerr says. "I was training hard and had made a lot of progress with my batting and bowling, so I knew that I'd got myself into a good place physically and mentally with my cricket and was making good improvements."

Any concerns about travelling again are alleviated somewhat by the World Cup being staged on home soil - albeit amid tight Covid-prevention restrictions. But with a Commonwealth Games on the horizon in the UK later this year, Kerr says she feels ready to go abroad again.

"I feel like if I was asked right now what I was going to do, I'd say I would travel for the Commonwealth Games, but I haven't put too much thought into it. Definitely at some point you've kind of just got to do it, otherwise the anxiety probably builds up.

"I'm sure I will be nervous to travel again, overseas that is, but sometimes you kind of have to do things that are uncomfortable otherwise they can keep building up and actually get worse. I'm excited for that, travelling again, it's part of my job and I'm sure with the strategies I have now and the willingness to be open and the support I have around me that I will be ready to travel."

Comparing how she feels now to a year or so ago, Kerr acknowledges the change is "incredible", and she credits her grandfather Bruce with providing some advice that helped her through the tough times.

"I still have bad days and sometimes don't feel great, but I know that's just part of the journey," Kerr says. "My Poppa, who I'm very close with, I remember him telling me, 'It will pass', and at the time you just don't see how it will pass because it's constant. But it is so true and I think that's what my mindset now is, accepting how I feel and knowing that it's okay and knowing that it will pass, whatever I'm feeling."

While everyone's mental health experiences are unique, those of Kerr and Devine mirror each other in their passion for encouraging people to talk about their problems, rather than try to carry on despite them.

"Maybe being a typical Kiwi, or a typical athlete, you just think, 'Oh no, I will just keep ploughing on', and 'She'll be right' is a very Kiwi attitude," Devine says. "I had great support to help make the decision to step away but it was a really scary time to not be in a space mentally where you can do something that you've always done.

"I've played cricket for so long now and to feel like I can't do that is pretty intimidating and scary. So to be able to step away from it was a really hard decision to make. I thought I could just keep ploughing on, but it really did become a case of I wasn't doing myself justice and I wasn't doing the team justice either.

Play 01:16

Devine on her mental-health struggles: 'It was scary to be a in a space mentally where you're not able to do something you've always done'

"It's all part of the journey. Hopefully it doesn't happen again, but if it does, you know, I've been through it before and I know that I can come back."

Kerr agrees: "No one's going to know, really. Sometimes you can read between the lines. I think my mum definitely knew I was struggling, but if you're not talking about it, they can't really know and probably don't really know how to help.

"People around you that really care about you and love you want to help you, and no matter what you're going through they'll do anything to help. It's funny how our brains are wired to think we shouldn't tell those people closest to us, but at the end of the day, that's what helped me the most.

"It's a sickness - no one chooses to have it. It's so cruel and it's painful and it's so hard because it changes the way you live. So it was very scary for a while, for everyone around me as well, but I'm glad I'm in the place I'm in now."

Valkerie Baynes is a general editor at ESPNcricinfo

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